Valentine’s day, because we are ALL still in High School.
Yes, I am fully aware that it is not “V-Day” for a week, but that’s kind of my point. Valentines day is celebrated worldwide regardless of religion, regardless of age even. Next week mums of 8 year old boys will be sending a teddy to school for the cute girl in his class. And she will think it’s awesome and become a bitch. (Just kidding)
Religion has several categories where people slot into. Those who don’t, those who do, those who do on bad days, those who do when they win an Academy Award, those that believe in parts, those who believe in stars this list goes on.
But Valentines has but two categories. Those who do and those who don’t.
You are either the girl who waits for a nursery worth of roses and so many chocolates you left Willy Wonka homeless or the girl who pours her man a whiskey and spends the evening watching Suns of Guns on Discovery Channel. 5 Guesses which I am.
Maybe I am cynical because I have been with my dude so long that he doesn’t need to impress me with gifts. Maybe I am holding a grudge because one year he came home and gave me a present. A photo frame. When I unwrapped it the card was INSIDE and it was TO him from his company. (Yes he tried to pawn it off as his own, no I’m not kidding) Aren’t we supposed to show and declare our love for our partners every day? Here’s some advice guys. Flowers on a random Tuesday mean way more than last minute roses on Valentine’s day.
But let’s be honest, I have a vagina. I was programmed to secretly expect something fun or maybe a dinner date. Like in High School when one dude in the class bought every girl in the class a flower. You pretended not to care but went home and put it in a little vase on your desk. But let’s be real, I am engaged to Oscar so second hand photo frames are my future.
But for all you unlucky non Oscar dating people I have made a list of the best Valentines day gifts ever. Consider it a buying guide if you will. These gifts apply even if you do not celebrate the day. Buy these for yourself. You deserve a spoil.
- An onion.
For the celebrators – Who wouldn’t want to see a chicks face when unwrapping an onion.
For the non celebrators – Here, have a good cry.
For the celebrators – When she opens the box, take it and ask her if she isn’t going to offer you a drink.
For the non celebrators – Eat those feelings.
- A Pot plant
For the celebrators – Explain to the girl it’s your “love plant” and keeps growing (Yes, Os pulled this once)
For the non celebrators – Talk to it. It grows faster.
For the celebrators – Girls dig it, it’s a safe bet.
For the non celebrator – Snort it, I heard its fun.
- Loaf of bread
For the celebrators – When she is all disgusted with you tell her she is the one you chose to make your sandwiches for the rest of your lives. (now point at the kitchen)
For the non celebrators – Go make yourself some dinner.
Be sure to try one of these this year 😉