You know those people who make you phone/send a message when you get somewhere? Well I am one of them. I am a worrier.
I don’t know who said it first but it’s true. Those closest to you have the ability to hurt you the most. I always thought I was okay with being hurt. Maybe in a messed up way I even thought I deserved it. I worry so much about those around me I sometimes feel I annoy them. But I promise you I annoy you because I care. Because I need to know you are safe and taken care of. Because if you are not I will come running.
Recently a best friend disappeared for a few hours (half a day) and we all freaked. We phoned and asked around and there was no sign of him. We eventually found him and when I nudge him awake and handed him the phone full of missed calls he took one look at it and shrugged it off. As if we were nuts for worrying about him. I could feel little bits of my heart being broken off as I stood there. I knew had I opened my mouth it would have been met with sobs and harsh words. Instead I turned around and left. My heart was heavy and angry. How can you care so much about someone and it gets completely dismissed.
It hasn’t been the easiest few months on any of us and we have all made it work. We grouped together to be there for each other and help where we can and to have it all go unnoticed finally got to me when I stood there and felt this ache in my chest. I felt as if everything we had all done had been for nothing. Nothing I did was good enough. Because maybe if it were good enough it wouldn’t get ignored. You don’t do things for other to get recognition, well I don’t. But it’s been months of feelings and personal needs being pushed aside to be there for this person and it all got a bit much for me right at that point. There, standing in front of him, seeing him push us aside.
But here is the thing. I am a sucker for torture and regardless of how hard he pushes us away, how many times we get ignored or how many tears we have to hide, we will always be there for him. I will love and fight and do what needs to be done. I worry because when you need me to be, I can be a warrior. It’s not in my nature to fight. But for those close to me I will fight your battles with you. I might not be good at it but I will be there to clean war wounds, dry tears and encourage distractions from the battles you face every single day. I might worry but I can be your warrior.
That’s enough bad writing for one night.