Chapter 30.

Chapter 30.

Chapter 30.

Read Chapter 29 here with Cupcakmummy 

The last bit of afternoon sun is seeping in past the gap in the curtains. Its lights nothing in particular but from my bed I can see dust dancing in a straight line in the lit little streak.  I pour another glass of wine. I stopped counting at 5. It’s not interesting or amusing but I can’t take my eyes off of the dancing dust.  There is peace in it. As odd as that sounds I like the movement. It makes me feel less alone. I squint my eyes and blur the light. Yesterday was more blurry than this.

After Mark ran after me to my desk he stood there and moved his arms a lot. Noise was coming from his mouth. I could see his soft lips form words but they got lost on the way to my ears.  Maybe my heart was thumping too hard to hear anything coming from outside of my body.  I am not sure what happened next but I grabbed my coat and bag and made a b-line for the door. Mark was on my heels until I reached the elevator.  I don’t know if I cut him off mid sentence but his face suggested it when I told him “No”. I don’t remember screaming it or even uttering it in an aggressive tone. I formed the words and heard them leave my lips, they floated through the space between us and it looked as if it hit him straight in the heart. The doors closed before I could stare at his face long enough to care.

My phone has been off since last night and the last time I quickly opened my mails was to send a short mail saying I am working from home today.

How could I ever believe it was real? Of course he is into Pam. I was probably just a fun bet. “Let’s get the dull one to open her legs”. Thank God I never slept with him. My vagina always falls in love faster than my heart. I am so angry at myself for allowing to be fooled. I haven’t cried. I think it hurts too much. Or maybe too little? In a wine filled haze somewhere between opening this bottle of wine and glass number 4 I convinced myself I never allowed myself to sleep with him. I could have chaced Michael away from that door. I didn’t.

It’s 12:04 and I haven’t bothered opening up the curtains. Or getting up for a fresh bottle of wine. Or something to eat.  I know I should open my laptop and do some work. I wish I could just phone Winter and speak to her.  After taking the last red drop from my glass I take my laptop and open it up. I can still feel the taste of grapes on my lips. I like it.

There’s a mail from Winter. Before I know it I can feel my face pull a smile. She hit a man in the face with a cast. I need to tease Michael about this at the office. Shit, the office. This is going to be so awkward now. The smile fades off of my face when I reach the part in her mail about talking to the Mateos. I know she is right. I know I need to tell them. But this is not an easy conversation to start. Nor one I feel up to starting anytime soon.

I forgot I told her I was going to be cooking for Mark and my mouth falls open when I read about her suggesting Papa Mateos for bread! How does she know them? Shit does she know? Surely if she knew she would have told me? My heart pounds so fast I can feel my stomach make its way to my throat. Was the ramp they built for her?  It all makes sense now. The accident Noah talked about.  She has been here, there, the whole time? I need more coffee.

I get up from bed and draw open the curtains. Light floods into the room filling every corner. It’s so bright it hurts my eyes. After putting the kettle on and feeding the dog I open my laptop up again , this time sitting at the kitchen counter.  The dog has been nice to me the past few days. Even sleeping at my feet. I like this kind side of the dog.  After he licks his bowl clean he makes himself comfortable at the foot of my chair. I am soaking up all the kindness I can get from this animal.

I know I need to reply to Winter but I don’t  know how. I want to go and see her but I also want to hide away under my desk in the fear that our connection is only in words and it will be lost in person. I can’t stand to lose another person in my life. Thoughts of Mark come stampeding back into my mind but I block them out with my worries about Winter.

I get up to make my coffee and start dictation of the mail in my head. I sip the coffee and it burns the tip of my tongue.

Email: To Winter

From: Iris

RE : Ducks, cats and flying panties.

Winter,

How do you know the MaTeos and how much do you know about them?

I hit send and realize I sounded so abrupt and rude.  I quickly start another one and hopes she doesn’t read too much into the first mail.

Email To Winter

From: Iris.

Subject:  I like bread too.

Hi Winter,

I had a good laugh about the smack in the face. Stellar move 😉

Turns out Mark has been shagging the receptionist all along. And here I though Michael was dipping into that pool. Did he ever mention what I did to his desk? Ask him about it.

Just my luck that my hot guy ended up being an asshole. I am too scared to put my phone back on. It has been off since I found out.  Well, since I walked in on them in the copier room. Clearly it is his hunting ground.

I love the Mateo’s breads. I often order lunch from Noah and need to convince him to deliver.

It’s a staple in my life.

Have you couriered the book back? I haven’t received anything yet.

Speak soon,

Iris. 

I hit send once again and really hope Winter doesn’t think I lost all my marbles and manners with that first mail. Could she know it’s about their kid? Did she know him? How long have we been living past each other?

I am drunk with questions. I am terrified she knows everything.  I want to crawl back into bed and forget everything. But I have learnt living under a duvet for a few days only make things worse. Blanket forts aren’t as protective as I remember them to be.

 

 

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